The Cat Conspiracy

You know you've seen them. On the side of the road. The signs, stapled to telephone poles, brown cardboard with thick white lettering:

"Free Cats + Kits 555-9999"

Maybe some of you have called the number. Perhaps you have even adopted one of these Free Cats or Kits. This tiny feline has become a part of your home, your family, your world.

BE WARY my friend, be very very wary. These tiny hairballs have come to take over our lives, and eventually take over the world. Let's discuss the facts, shall we?

Fact #1: These brown cardboard signs are everywhere. I have traveled all around the country, and have seen one in every town. Myrtle Beach, Los Angeles, Philly, Chicago... ALL of them are in the SAME HANDWRITING. The numbers are different, yes, due to local area codes, but the message is always the same: "FREE CATS + KITS". Never "kittens". Always "kits". We assume they mean that the kittens themselves are without a pricetag, hence "free". What they REALLY mean is "Liberate the felines!."

Fact #2: Cats were not domesticated by man. Historically, feral cats have made their way into society by finding a human host that will feed them and shelter them, like a parasite. Do not think that you are choosing a new pet when picking a cat... They are choosing YOU. Dogs, gerbils, snakes... These animals will get lost, never "run away" from a happy home. Cats will leave for weeks at a time, coming home only when they deem it is proper. They do not need us. Plenty of cats survive in the wild still, in city and country alike.

Fact #3: If cats were big enough, they would eat us. In the United States, larger feline breeds are not known to have a "don't fuck with me, I won't fuck with you attitude". Bobcats, cougars, and the like, if encountered in the wild, will pounce without being provoked. Even a shark will not eat a person unless it thinks it is a seal. Cats have gotten a taste for human flesh, and they want more.

So how does this all tie together? Look at the signs. Literally.

These feral cats are infiltrating our lives. They gather in the woods, painting their signs with their tiny paws. They place themselves in boxes on the street, mastering the "I'm so cute and fluffy, take me home" look to lure unsuspecting humans into adopting them. They make our homes into their homes, coming and going as they please (they meet on Thursdays in the local woods, where they scheme and plot their coup d'etat).

Once they have infiltrated the home, they begin to psychologically make you submissive to them. "I can't go out of town this weekend, Mr. Snookums will be all alone", "Fluffy likes the tuna flavored Friskies, I'll pay twice as much, just so he's happy", "Do you think Kittles McPookieson would love this new little mousy wousy?" To no certain extent, they make us their bitch. C'mon- We allow them to shit in boxes in our homes! And WE clean it up!

Now, this has been going on for years. Ancient Egyptians were the first to keep cats in close company. Queens and kings were mummified and buried with what we think were their pets. I believe it was the other way around. Cats were revered as gods in Ancient Egypt. Cats allowed the Egyptians to exist, as long as they knew who was really running the show: Cleo-cat-ra.

Wrap your head around this one: Theories have long abounded as to how and why the pyramids were built. Some say a higher being was in charge. Aliens, most say. IT WAS THE FUCKING CATS. Look at the Sphinx! It is a giant Cat-Man. It was meant to show us all who was in charge.

So what is coming next, you ask? Why does any of this matter? What is the next step in this epic battle of feline dominance? They wait patiently... sleeping in sunny spots and window sills throughout the world... they curl up in our laps, and rub up against our legs... They are waiting, dear reader, waiting for the signal. The feline family is one step below humans on the food chain. If they manage to get rid of us... then who's boss?

Take arms, my courageous friends! Do not brake for these appalling creatures! They wouldn't brake for you!